Two men are sitting in a bar. Both are alcoholics, both having lost their families and destroyed their lives. One man says to the other, "Being an alcoholic has done nothing for us but bring misery. This is no good for us." The other man responds, "I'm not going to listen to you because you don't practice what you preach. You are as bad an alcoholic as me. Who are you to criticise?" The first man closes his mouth and they order another drink in silence.
Meanwhile, across town, two men in a similar situation are sitting in another bar. The first man says the same thing. The second man, however, responds, "You are absolutely right. It's a hard thing for you to admit. I will support you and you can support me, and together we can change."
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Sunday, July 15, 2012
On Parenting, Discipline and Corporal Punishment
I was physically abused by both my mother and stepfather and didn't realize it was abuse until I was an adult. I got married to a woman with 3 kids and fully intended to use physical means to discipline them. But each time they did something wrong, I found talking to them or sending them to their rooms was sufficient and reserved spanking for a more serious offense at a later date. After five years, when I had never had to resort to it, I clued in that it is not necessary. Raising children, or being in a relationship, or holding your own at the workplace, or maintaining relationships with your friends, are all psychological games, ones that you are losing if you are resorting to violence.
I remember the absolute love and trust I had for my mother as far back as Icould put thoughts together. I remember distinctly trying to imagine that I had been born to another mother and couldn't. The thought terrified me. What happened to that pure trust? Destroyed. Something changed in that relationship and the disciplinarians of our society would place accountability on a child, where others place it in the hands of responsible adults. Who has a greater capacity for understanding cause and effect relationships? Who is more capable of making choices? I have had to spend a significant portion of my adult life trying to forgive and get back to loving her. What a waste of time. And when she lost my trust, she was no longer an effective teacher. Her entire role in my life was compromised. Same goes for an abusive husband. How many times will he hit his wife before the trust is broken and the relationship changed? I have had many teachers, and my mom stands by wondering why it seems I trust everyone but her.
It's not that I think parents who spank their kids are evil. Just ignorant. I wasn't very good at parenting either. It takes work and when they are frustrating, it is human nature to hit them. But that doesn't make it morally defensible, or something we should encourage. We are supposed to be admitting our mistakes and improving. To be a good and effective parent, you have to give yourself the equivalent of a PhD in that topic, by finding out what really works. I wouldn't even undertake to tile my kitchen without studying to find out how to do it right, yet most parents attempt to stumble through the most complex and important task on the planet and their children are ones whose entire future is founded on their parents' choices. If people are always saying how going through military boot camp gave them skills needed for their lives, how much more important is it to have education, nurture and the foundations of trust and genuine social connections in early home life?
Many parents frame this debate as if the only two options are to hit their kids or let them run wild, when there are myriad other ways to communicate with children. When parents defend corporal punishment of their kids, I am blown away, especially with how adamantly they defend the practice. I mean, surely you love your children. If I am telling you that there is a way that you can avoid having to hit them, and that there are practices that are much more effective for teaching and disciplining them, wouldn’t you jump at that opportunity? If I said that you had to work ten times as hard, but that you get a hundred times better results in the end, wouldn’t that be worth it? They are your children, so you decide. How you answer should tell you what kind of parent you are. Be honest with yourself. No one’s judging you but you… oh, and your kids when they grow up.
I remember the absolute love and trust I had for my mother as far back as Icould put thoughts together. I remember distinctly trying to imagine that I had been born to another mother and couldn't. The thought terrified me. What happened to that pure trust? Destroyed. Something changed in that relationship and the disciplinarians of our society would place accountability on a child, where others place it in the hands of responsible adults. Who has a greater capacity for understanding cause and effect relationships? Who is more capable of making choices? I have had to spend a significant portion of my adult life trying to forgive and get back to loving her. What a waste of time. And when she lost my trust, she was no longer an effective teacher. Her entire role in my life was compromised. Same goes for an abusive husband. How many times will he hit his wife before the trust is broken and the relationship changed? I have had many teachers, and my mom stands by wondering why it seems I trust everyone but her.
It's not that I think parents who spank their kids are evil. Just ignorant. I wasn't very good at parenting either. It takes work and when they are frustrating, it is human nature to hit them. But that doesn't make it morally defensible, or something we should encourage. We are supposed to be admitting our mistakes and improving. To be a good and effective parent, you have to give yourself the equivalent of a PhD in that topic, by finding out what really works. I wouldn't even undertake to tile my kitchen without studying to find out how to do it right, yet most parents attempt to stumble through the most complex and important task on the planet and their children are ones whose entire future is founded on their parents' choices. If people are always saying how going through military boot camp gave them skills needed for their lives, how much more important is it to have education, nurture and the foundations of trust and genuine social connections in early home life?
Many parents frame this debate as if the only two options are to hit their kids or let them run wild, when there are myriad other ways to communicate with children. When parents defend corporal punishment of their kids, I am blown away, especially with how adamantly they defend the practice. I mean, surely you love your children. If I am telling you that there is a way that you can avoid having to hit them, and that there are practices that are much more effective for teaching and disciplining them, wouldn’t you jump at that opportunity? If I said that you had to work ten times as hard, but that you get a hundred times better results in the end, wouldn’t that be worth it? They are your children, so you decide. How you answer should tell you what kind of parent you are. Be honest with yourself. No one’s judging you but you… oh, and your kids when they grow up.
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