I was physically abused by both my mother and stepfather and didn't realize it was abuse until I was an adult. I got married to a woman with 3 kids and fully intended to use physical means to discipline them. But each time they did something wrong, I found talking to them or sending them to their rooms was sufficient and reserved spanking for a more serious offense at a later date. After five years, when I had never had to resort to it, I clued in that it is not necessary. Raising children, or being in a relationship, or holding your own at the workplace, or maintaining relationships with your friends, are all psychological games, ones that you are losing if you are resorting to violence.
I remember the absolute love and trust I had for my mother as far back as Icould put thoughts together. I remember distinctly trying to imagine that I had been born to another mother and couldn't. The thought terrified me. What happened to that pure trust? Destroyed. Something changed in that relationship and the disciplinarians of our society would place accountability on a child, where others place it in the hands of responsible adults. Who has a greater capacity for understanding cause and effect relationships? Who is more capable of making choices? I have had to spend a significant portion of my adult life trying to forgive and get back to loving her. What a waste of time. And when she lost my trust, she was no longer an effective teacher. Her entire role in my life was compromised. Same goes for an abusive husband. How many times will he hit his wife before the trust is broken and the relationship changed? I have had many teachers, and my mom stands by wondering why it seems I trust everyone but her.
It's not that I think parents who spank their kids are evil. Just ignorant. I wasn't very good at parenting either. It takes work and when they are frustrating, it is human nature to hit them. But that doesn't make it morally defensible, or something we should encourage. We are supposed to be admitting our mistakes and improving. To be a good and effective parent, you have to give yourself the equivalent of a PhD in that topic, by finding out what really works. I wouldn't even undertake to tile my kitchen without studying to find out how to do it right, yet most parents attempt to stumble through the most complex and important task on the planet and their children are ones whose entire future is founded on their parents' choices. If people are always saying how going through military boot camp gave them skills needed for their lives, how much more important is it to have education, nurture and the foundations of trust and genuine social connections in early home life?
Many parents frame this debate as if the only two options are to hit their kids or let them run wild, when there are myriad other ways to communicate with children. When parents defend corporal punishment of their kids, I am blown away, especially with how adamantly they defend the practice. I mean, surely you love your children. If I am telling you that there is a way that you can avoid having to hit them, and that there are practices that are much more effective for teaching and disciplining them, wouldn’t you jump at that opportunity? If I said that you had to work ten times as hard, but that you get a hundred times better results in the end, wouldn’t that be worth it? They are your children, so you decide. How you answer should tell you what kind of parent you are. Be honest with yourself. No one’s judging you but you… oh, and your kids when they grow up.
Here's the thing about spanking....it has to be done out of instruction and not anger. NEVER hit a child out of anger or out of frustration. I agree with you, sort of... The problem with spanking is that people are not generally good at doing this. It is really really hard to control emotions and refrain from spanking a child while you are upset at them for doing something, when you are used to spanking them. Personally, I don't find it necessary, but I do use it as a tactic sometimes...mostly reserved for the more severe instances. I also think that it depends on the individual child. I have one child that I DO NOT spank ever....it doesn't work on him and only serves to escalate the situation. I send him to his room until he has calmed down enough to see things clearly and then we talk it out and I will take away a privilege. My youngest....she requires the threat of getting spanked to get her to listen...but she also only requires a tiny pat (doesn't hurt) to get her to respond. I always make sure to calmly explain what their bad choice was and now I have to administer consequences because I am their mom and it's my job to teach them how to make good choices. I wouldn't say that all corporate punishment is abusive....it's just the way in which it is administered that can be abusive....in the end it's all about consistency.
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